My Cousin, My Friend

My cousin has been struggling with an addiction problem for a while now. With this being said I can empathize with her for many different reasons. I feel that her biggest addiction now is her husband. His record is longer than Simple Man by Leonard Skynard. When I was visiting them at the beach this past summer, her middle son told me that he couldn't stand her new husband because he was mean to him, That broke my heart. I understand that children exaggerate and have jealousy problems as well in a lot of new situations, but this kid is genuine. She wrote it off as he is just really tender hearted like his father and that he takes things more personally than he should. She literally made excuses and acted like it was the child's fault. All thoughts aside she is still my blood and I will be there for her through thick and thin. Later on in the summer she and the rest of the family came to Tennessee to visit. We talked about her staying because she needed to start over and needed to get away. She has two year old twin boys that belong to the current husband. Nothing was ever set in stone but I did let her know that she was welcome to stay with me. They ended up leaving her here and the twins. I was ok with it because I adapt to what ever situation that I need to. She only stayed for a week and said she had to get back and take care of divorce papers and other stuff then she would come back. That is the last I heard until around Christmas when her mother called me crying. She said she went back to "husband" as soon as he got out of jail and they were living in a camper together. She had stole money and took a credit card of her moms as well. She was claiming to go to church with him and needed her mom to keep the twins all night so she could go with him. I didn't believe that because I have been on the other side of the fence and I know first hand you don't change that fast. It literally takes years to turn back into the person you were before your soul was sucked out of your body. Her mom asked if she could come live with me and I told her I would think about it and pray about it and let her know. I did exactly that. I didn't feel an overwhelming force telling me that I needed to bring her here and take care of her. I have been in the same predicament before where I had to pray for guidance on letting someone come live with me. The Lord will speak to your heart loud and clear when He wants you to do something. I didn't feel anything like that when I prayed about it. I didn't even tell anyone about it because I only wanted God's opinion and not anyone else, Fast forward another month and her grandma, which is my great aunt, gets hospitalized and starts doing very bad. She passed away and had to come back home to be buried. We were all very upset and the family stayed at my grandma's. I felt like I needed to explain to her mom and her the reason I felt the need to say no. In a way I felt more peace because I thought that if I would have said yes that she wouldn't have gotten to spend the last month with her granny before she died. I told them both that and also said that I know that everything happens for a reason although we may not ever know the reason. I thought all was well when they left. I was wrong. We texted after she got back and talked about her granny and the family. Out of the blue after she was hospitalized again, she texted me a long thing about how she was hurt because I said no to her. She said she felt like she had no one to depend on. This was last Thursday when she sent the message and I haven't sent anything back because I didn't want my emotions to take over. I know you can not reason with someone that is not in their right mind. I have dealt with many different people in my life and I have learned when it is best to stay silent. I am writing this blog to get it off my chest. I pray for her and I pray for guidance to say the right things but I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. My true feelings will more than likely never be expressed to her. I bought her a journal when she was here last summer and I write her letters in it now since she never took it with her. I would do anything to help her but I will not enable her and reward her bad behavior. I am especially glad that I didn't bring her here now because I see how she acts when she doesn't get her way. She lacks in understanding and the only way to get that is from God. I am a self blamer anyway and if I would have been in a bad mentality, I would have felt worthless and like it was my fault. She didn't care how it made me feel because I haven't heard from her since. I wish she would have some kind of wake up call and realize that she has one son that is almost grown that just wants his mom cause he doesn't even have a dad, He is so shut down that he doesn't even have any expression on his face most of the time. She has another amazing little boy that cares about her more than anything in this world and just wants his mom back. There is another woman raising him with his dad and she post stuff about being his mom online and it bothers me to see it. I am glad he has a good woman but it is not his mother. She has twin boys that are wild when she is around because they crave her attention so bad. When you give them things to do and don't rely on them to keep each other occupied, they are good as gold. Her mom will help her in any way possible and she can't even see it. I love her and will be there for her no matter what she does but I can't help her when she won't even help herself. I explained to her that we were working on getting a bigger place to live and that would be ideal for her to come stay then. Now that she sent me the guilt trip message, I don't want her to. I feel like she doesn't care about how I got to where I am now. I have had to work very hard for years to keep my head above water. She looks at it like I have been handed everything. Also the man I am with is not going to support me and my family as well. He pays the rent so I am not a liberty to bring someone else in on his dime. It is highly likely that I am just venting here because I am frustrated that she would be upset with me. Deep down inside I just hurt because I want her to be the person I look up to and love so much. It hurts the ones that are sober and aware of everything worse than it hurts her because she has a distorted view of life with drugs in her. The "husband" also broke into her moms house while they were here with the funeral. My mind will never be able to wrap around this. Only God can fix her. I will continue to pray for her and the rest of the family. It is out of my hands now.

Passing Judgment

My professor talked about passing judgment on people and making assumptions. Only 3 people in the class including myself agreed that you are supposed to judge a situation and not judge the person. Most of them wouldn't even comment. It made me start to think about how many young people have not made a profession of faith. I know that I am unable to reach everyone  but, I do hope that I stand out enough to lead them in the right direction. I feel like a lot of people have not listened and they haven't wanted to know anything about salvation. Last night I read song of Soloman for the first time. It was like reading a  love story and I know now where these fantasy movies get their ideas. I finally turned to Psalms or as Coltin calls it Palms. The Lord spoke directly to my heart and told me to give all of my worries to Him and keep my eyes on Him and I would be fine like always. I knew this already but it sometimes leaves my mind from time to time. I am not going to worry about things I can not change. I know that if I keep my son focused on the Lord that I will be ok. Im exhausted and I have to be at class at 730am and then at work from 130pm til 1030pm. YUK! Gnite

How can I get through

I want to be a mirror for just one day so that the selfish people in the world can see how the things they say and do effect other people. I try to always be aware of my actions and I make an effort to correct my wrongs when I make a mistake. I don't want to hurt people. I am a child of God and I want to please Him first. I want to be a reflection of Him and show other people that its not hard to please the Lord. It is much easier to not live for the world. I may not go out with friends and I may not have a lot of people in my life but the ones that I do have in my life are real and they love Jesus and we are brothers and sisters in Christ. I get my happiness now by doing things for other people. I like to make crafts and I like to bake. I love to work in the yard and take care of my plants. It is fulfilling for me to watch nature and how everything works together and how God is so cool that He gives everything a job to do. The bees get the pollen and make the honey which is a natural source of sugar or a great skin treatment. I love the fact that I can never figure out everything but I can constantly learn. I love to learn and I love being curious. I want to have a child like heart just like the bible says. I know that some people look at me as dumb because I don't do things like most people my age but its by choice and not because someone is forcing me to stay at home and do the things I do. When I am having a bad day I try to go to the word of God and let His words guide me through it. Discernment is a gift from God and although sometimes I am not as grateful for having it as I should be, I do thank God for allowing me to have it so I can tell the good from bad. I know its a gift because most others can not see it and they think I'm crazy when I do. There are some that have it and don't know how to use it because they deny their first instinct and give the benefit of the doubt. Please don't give the benefit of the doubt. If the negative feelings are there the first time it is probably for a reason unless it is a snap judgment.

My Hero

On one of the many ventures of Mandie Pants, I was a babysitter. A lady came through my line today and inspired me to write this about one of the most influential ladies in my life. I started working for a family that I will not disclose the name of, when I was about 16 years old. The mother of the house was a doctor, a wife, a mother of two, and happy! She had suffered the loss of a child which is something that no one can understand or relate to unless you have personally been in that situation. She had a daughter that had medical issues and required more care than most children and when I came along had adopted an infant boy. I didn't realize any of my family issues at the time but I look back now and reflect from the time I was able to spend in that household. It was so peaceful there and everyone just seemed so normal compared to what I was used to. At night when they would come home she would always talk to me and let me vent about my problems and just listen and give advice. I always wanted to make her proud but I knew that she didn't know the real me. The real me that had come from a mentally abusive father that had a drug problem. The girl who wanted to be the best and not be like the house she grew up in but still carried the heavy burden with her everywhere she went. I still feel like she may have known deep down and that is why she always talked to me and made me feel important. I am very thankful that I could watch the way that she mothered her children because I have used a lot of her skills with my own son. I was able to see what a household without hate was like and I learned so much from that. She was a very strong lady and I admire her for so many reasons. I became pregnant when I was 23 out of wedlock and was unable to confront the children after that. I was scared and I never really even said goodbye to the kids. I was ashamed of being the person that I wanted to not be like. Now I wouldn't change it for anything in the world because my son has taught me so much. His faith inspires me and I hope to always lead by example for him. The last time I seen this lady I was  getting married and with yet another disappointment I am now divorced. I know that she is non judgemental and that she will not look at me for my flaws but when I do see her again I hope to be finished with school and at least have some accomplishment to tell her. If I never get the chance this is what I would have said to her: Thank you, you were more than an inspiration to me through out all of the years that I was able to work with you and your family. You are a great example of what a mother should be and you are an honor to your household. If I were to consider anyone a true Proverbs 31 woman, it would be you. I have taken things that I watched you do and carried them with me. I have also remembered your advice and taken that with me as well. Thank you for always listening to me when I had so much to say at night. I look back and think about how I went on and on with silly issues and you were so kind to listen when you were dealing with issues of your own. I appreciate the time I was able to spend with your mother as well. She raised a wonderful woman and I know she received many treasures when she got to heaven. She and Stephen are together smiling down and have no more pain or sorrow. I know that I probably won't get to see you again and you may not ever read this but in my mind it is helping me close a chapter in my life that I felt was unfinished. Thanks again, Miss Amanda

alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency

On Christmas Day of 2011 I had been in the hospital with a collapsed lung and chest tube for 3 days. This was only the beginning of what will become a long battle. The doctor came in as a substitute for my doctor and he says "Ms. Trivett the reason your lung collapsed is because you have a lung disease and its not curable but its treatable. So then I decided to do some research for myself with my best friend and we found out a lot. I know that my disease is heredity and I more than likely passed it down to my son. I don't know what will happen from here on out but i do feel like I will die young. My case is a little more harsh than most because I smoked for 10 years on top of having the disease. I want to make peace with all of my enemies before the Lord takes me home. I am very thankful that the Lord has made me have such a fun and fulfilling life. I hope to be a strong symbol for the Lord and show others what unconditional love feels like. I want them to forgive like we have been forgiven.