My Cousin, My Friend

My cousin has been struggling with an addiction problem for a while now. With this being said I can empathize with her for many different reasons. I feel that her biggest addiction now is her husband. His record is longer than Simple Man by Leonard Skynard. When I was visiting them at the beach this past summer, her middle son told me that he couldn't stand her new husband because he was mean to him, That broke my heart. I understand that children exaggerate and have jealousy problems as well in a lot of new situations, but this kid is genuine. She wrote it off as he is just really tender hearted like his father and that he takes things more personally than he should. She literally made excuses and acted like it was the child's fault. All thoughts aside she is still my blood and I will be there for her through thick and thin. Later on in the summer she and the rest of the family came to Tennessee to visit. We talked about her staying because she needed to start over and needed to get away. She has two year old twin boys that belong to the current husband. Nothing was ever set in stone but I did let her know that she was welcome to stay with me. They ended up leaving her here and the twins. I was ok with it because I adapt to what ever situation that I need to. She only stayed for a week and said she had to get back and take care of divorce papers and other stuff then she would come back. That is the last I heard until around Christmas when her mother called me crying. She said she went back to "husband" as soon as he got out of jail and they were living in a camper together. She had stole money and took a credit card of her moms as well. She was claiming to go to church with him and needed her mom to keep the twins all night so she could go with him. I didn't believe that because I have been on the other side of the fence and I know first hand you don't change that fast. It literally takes years to turn back into the person you were before your soul was sucked out of your body. Her mom asked if she could come live with me and I told her I would think about it and pray about it and let her know. I did exactly that. I didn't feel an overwhelming force telling me that I needed to bring her here and take care of her. I have been in the same predicament before where I had to pray for guidance on letting someone come live with me. The Lord will speak to your heart loud and clear when He wants you to do something. I didn't feel anything like that when I prayed about it. I didn't even tell anyone about it because I only wanted God's opinion and not anyone else, Fast forward another month and her grandma, which is my great aunt, gets hospitalized and starts doing very bad. She passed away and had to come back home to be buried. We were all very upset and the family stayed at my grandma's. I felt like I needed to explain to her mom and her the reason I felt the need to say no. In a way I felt more peace because I thought that if I would have said yes that she wouldn't have gotten to spend the last month with her granny before she died. I told them both that and also said that I know that everything happens for a reason although we may not ever know the reason. I thought all was well when they left. I was wrong. We texted after she got back and talked about her granny and the family. Out of the blue after she was hospitalized again, she texted me a long thing about how she was hurt because I said no to her. She said she felt like she had no one to depend on. This was last Thursday when she sent the message and I haven't sent anything back because I didn't want my emotions to take over. I know you can not reason with someone that is not in their right mind. I have dealt with many different people in my life and I have learned when it is best to stay silent. I am writing this blog to get it off my chest. I pray for her and I pray for guidance to say the right things but I haven't gotten to talk to her yet. My true feelings will more than likely never be expressed to her. I bought her a journal when she was here last summer and I write her letters in it now since she never took it with her. I would do anything to help her but I will not enable her and reward her bad behavior. I am especially glad that I didn't bring her here now because I see how she acts when she doesn't get her way. She lacks in understanding and the only way to get that is from God. I am a self blamer anyway and if I would have been in a bad mentality, I would have felt worthless and like it was my fault. She didn't care how it made me feel because I haven't heard from her since. I wish she would have some kind of wake up call and realize that she has one son that is almost grown that just wants his mom cause he doesn't even have a dad, He is so shut down that he doesn't even have any expression on his face most of the time. She has another amazing little boy that cares about her more than anything in this world and just wants his mom back. There is another woman raising him with his dad and she post stuff about being his mom online and it bothers me to see it. I am glad he has a good woman but it is not his mother. She has twin boys that are wild when she is around because they crave her attention so bad. When you give them things to do and don't rely on them to keep each other occupied, they are good as gold. Her mom will help her in any way possible and she can't even see it. I love her and will be there for her no matter what she does but I can't help her when she won't even help herself. I explained to her that we were working on getting a bigger place to live and that would be ideal for her to come stay then. Now that she sent me the guilt trip message, I don't want her to. I feel like she doesn't care about how I got to where I am now. I have had to work very hard for years to keep my head above water. She looks at it like I have been handed everything. Also the man I am with is not going to support me and my family as well. He pays the rent so I am not a liberty to bring someone else in on his dime. It is highly likely that I am just venting here because I am frustrated that she would be upset with me. Deep down inside I just hurt because I want her to be the person I look up to and love so much. It hurts the ones that are sober and aware of everything worse than it hurts her because she has a distorted view of life with drugs in her. The "husband" also broke into her moms house while they were here with the funeral. My mind will never be able to wrap around this. Only God can fix her. I will continue to pray for her and the rest of the family. It is out of my hands now.